Ohhh lots of things..

So it is Tuesday night and we are heading out of New Orleans. I know that I didn’t update on what we did Sunday or Monday, but for now this is really more about processing than about a play-by-play of activities. There are so many things on my mind and I have so much to say, but I am not sure where to start. I think this is going to be pretty random and long and might not make a lot of sense to some readers, but I have to get it out. I feel an obligation to myself and to others in so many ways and really am struggling to process all of this – not just this week but the place of the New Orleans experiences in my life. So here we go.

When I first went to Gulfport years ago, I never would have imagined that years later I would find myself finishing my fourth trip to New Orleans in a year. I knew the first time I came to the gulf after Katrina that it was the first time in a long time that I really felt called to be somewhere and do something in a way that I can’t really explain, but that I see as God. And I knew when I was here then that God was at work in my life in ways I still don’t understand. I knew when I came back from that trip that I hoped I would be able to come back and do more. Years later, I got a Facebook message from a long-time friend and mentor who invited me to be a part of a Presbyterian Disaster Assistance trip to New Orleans, which took place last January. Everything worked out just as it needed to and so off I went. I only knew the woman who had sent me the information but by the end of the trip I had been a part of some amazing things. I was so blessed by my project manager, a woman who really sought to understand and share the story of the people and city of New Orleans in a way that was so compelling. I think when I first heard about the storm and came to the gulf the first time, I had no idea the complexity of all of the systems that were at work here. But, Christina was amazing. Though she wasn’t a New Orleans native, she has spent the past 4 years volunteering in this role and sharing the untold stories of Katrina survivors and of the spirit of the city I have grown to love.

As a result of that trip, I went back to home and school and insisted that I do my fieldwork in New Orleans. I am sure it was another cause of anxiety for my parents, who know I do crazy things, but I just couldn’t stop the need I felt to come back. After a lot of conversations with our field instructor, a new field placement was designed that allowed me to work on a macro and micro level with the people of New Orleans. Part of that you all were able to experience with me as I traveled twice to New Orleans on my own in July and October. And now, I have completed this fourth week-long journey of the year, and this time with an outstanding group of individuals who were beyond anything I could have asked for or imagined.

So now here I am just trying to make sense of what I saw and experienced this week and how that works with what I experienced during my two previous trips to work in the Seventh ward. Here are some thoughts at random…

Violence – I cannot imagine the violence in which so many of these kids grow up in. When I was visiting with a man on Sunday, he told me without a touch of sadness about his son being shot three days prior. Six times. He is the second generation of gang members in his family and around here, you just sort of expect that kind of violence as a fact of life. But even that isn’t what gets me. This week people across the nation are expressing concern and compassion in unparalleled levels over the shooting in Tucson. This is totally founded, because it was a tragic thing that happened. But what I can’t understand is why everyone’s hearts break for a 9 year old girl getting shot at a political event but not for the black girl getting shot in a drive by in the hood. It happens every day here. EVERY DAY. And no one blinks an eye, misses a beat, puts it on the news, or sends piles of flowers. President Obama doesn’t call her parents, no fund is established in her memory, and no one is really surprised. This breaks my heart. I just don’t get it. I don’t get why it is a federal offense to kill a federal judge but not a black man in the street. I think the message we communicate is that the judge’s life is worth more. Or perhaps that the black man was doing something to deserve it. Stings doesn’t it? But in some ways, it’s true and in a lot of ways, I am overwhelmingly frustrated by that fact and have no idea what to do with it. I hate it.

Potential – the thing with which I am struggling almost equal to these thoughts of violence is the idea of potential and the loss of it. I am honestly saddened and in rough shape after this week because what I am seeing is showing me all of the lost potential in the city. While I cannot compare it to any other city and this may be true in other large cities, New Orleans is what I know, and I know it well and here’s what I know. I know that this summer I was so overwhelmed on the day when I looked at those kids and I saw everything that they could be. I saw how much love they had to give and how many dreams they could dream if the world hadn’t already taught them not to. In so many ways that vision was a blessing, because it reminded me that anyone can change and anyone can achieve great things. But my heart was broken this week as I just saw a pile of broken dreams and lost potential. I left feeling frustrated that myself and others in the group had not done more with people in the city. We were so ready and willing and hoping to sit and share life with people for a while, give them some hope and encouragement, and just take some of their pain for a while. Unfortunately, for so many reasons, that didn’t happen a lot. But outside of the lost potential from the perspective of my group, I think my deeper understanding of the community and of all of the layers of issues that it deals with just showed me all of the potential that will never be reached. I think people in general are so incredible and capable of so much, but many of the kids I have grown to know and love, might not graduate from high school. They will drop out, get pregnant, go to jail, or die before hand. Let that sink in a bit. Compare it to the community where you live. It is a different world and I hope it makes you as angry as it makes me. The city was given a chance to start over, create new systems, build better schools, meet more needs, reform its transportation system, and so much more, but the money is sitting in some account doing nothing. I hate it.

Systems Theory – So I am not going into great detail about systems theory, but it basically is a theory that expands the idea that no man is an island. Duh. I think we all learn in classes that any client you work with individually operates as the result of different layers of systems in which he or she lives – family, community, groups, society, etc. However, my time here has given me a better understanding of the piles of systems at work in communities, especially in broken cities, and how the issues are so interwoven. For example, when we pass out condoms in the hood, there are a ton of things going on that have to be considered. First, we hit a low-income area because poverty doesn’t give you a check for protection from HIV/AIDS so we attempt to get them to people who cannot afford to purchase them. At the same time, you deal with cultural issues concerning sex – we learned on Bourbon Street that talking about sexing the urban, black community is very different than talking about it with white, middle class tourists. This is not a value judgment or meant to say either side handles the issue better, but it is a factor involved. At the same time, gender issues are concerned. There are women here who are abused for insisting that men use condoms. Additionally, some of those women are sex workers who want to take them but can’t. Then, there is a law that we cannot distribute them to individuals under 18, and you know that they are having sex. So there are choices to make there. Then, there are racial and cultural issues playing out. In a lot of black communities, there is more of a family feel than in many white communities. It is seen as the community’s job to raise children and handle them. So, if someone takes a handful of condoms and distributes them to a school bus full of kids, what does that mean? There is also the fact that there is a group of 14 white people wandering through the projects on a Monday afternoon. What does that say about us-them? What does it say about violence and safety and racism and risk? I don’t know. I am not sure what I am saying about all of this, because each of these systems at work in New Orleans are flawed beyond belief. There is oppression, a general lack of leadership with integrity, a misunderstanding about things that educated people take for granted. What I do know is that sometimes being aware of all of these things helps me work more effectively with others and sometimes it breaks my heart and leaves me wondering how to recover from my time here.

Groups – As I have said in previous posts I am here this time with a group and that has been really good and really interesting. I have embraced it for the most part, as I have really enjoyed having others with similar backgrounds to relate to in my time here. I am glad that when I go home I will be able to continue conversations with others who have been a part of this experience. The great thing is that it wasn’t just a group of people that I could handle spending the week with. Everyone in our group was really phenomenal and I was really blessed to be able to work and learn and share with them this week. Before the trip we had done some different fundraisers and other activities together, but didn’t really know each other very well. But I am so glad for the time we had here. I have been able to see a lot of really great things in people – both personally and professionally – and got to know some really quality people.

(In the middle of writing this very emotional post on the airplane I was interupted and basically got Punk'd...hence the abrupt ending..read the "Blanket" post for info...)

I don’t really know what to do from here but I am sure that in the next few days I will be taking some of my Panera cards and putting them to good use while I figure it out…